Losing Faith
by KJaneway115
Summary: Post-Endgame, Kathryn fears she has lost her faith and her friend. Has she, really? Written for 2014 VAMB Secret Drabble Exchange.


_A/N: Written for LeftennantAskara for the Spring 2014 VAMB Secret Drabble exchange. The challenge was to write a story of 1,300 words or less with a first line provided. Askara provided the first line of this story, and requested a J/C story. This is the result. Thanks to Askara for the provoking first line, and to Miz for the beta._

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**LOSING FAITH**

_**By KJaneway115**_

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There were days when it was hard to tell which of them was losing faith the fastest. But faith in each other and in their partnership, which had once been the sustaining force for both Janeway and Chakotay, had slipped away so quietly and gradually that neither of them had even noticed. Until the admiral came.

Admiral Janeway's arrival had put everything into stark relief for Kathryn, who now sat huddled in front of the fireplace at her mother's Indiana farmhouse. Seeing the older version of herself had been a wakeup call, and not a pleasant one. She feared that she had already become too much like the older woman to change.

Admiral Janeway had lived all those years without Tuvok and Chakotay by her side; was she fated to do the same? Tuvok was far away on Vulcan, and she was afraid that her friendship with Chakotay was beyond repair. She had lost faith in him, and in them. The realization made her eyes well with tears.

Her musings were interrupted by a knock on the door, and she hastily brushed the tears out of her eyes. Expecting to find a neighbor stopping by to see her mother, she opened the door but stopped mid-movement.

"Uh, hi."

"Chakotay," she stammered. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you," he answered with a grin. He studied her intently in the dim lighting. "Are you okay?"

She realized that he would know she had been crying and brushed her hand hastily over her eyes. "I'm fine. I was just reminiscing. Would you like to come in?"

He faltered. "I don't want to intrude. I can come back another time."

Her hand on his forearm stopped him from leaving. "The least I can do is offer you a cup of tea before you go back out into the cold. Besides," she admitted with a lopsided smile, "I'm glad you're here." She ushered him into the kitchen and placed two mugs on the counter.

He noticed that she'd lost weight and that her face seemed a little drawn. "What were you thinking about?"

"What?"

"You said you were reminiscing. What about?"

"A lot of things."

"Like?"

She started rummaging in the cupboard for some tea bags, her back to him. "_Voyager_, I guess. Coming home."

"You were thinking about the admiral, weren't you?"

"Yes." She didn't hear him come up behind her and was shocked to turn and find herself staring directly into his eyes. She didn't have time to school her expression, and his face told her how much she had betrayed in that moment.

"Kathryn." The word came out strangled and strained.

She tried to turn away. "I'm fine."

He grasped her shoulders, pulling her against his body. "No, you're not."

For a moment, they stood, pressed against each other, eyes locked. Then the warmth of his skin and the intensity of his expression hit her, and she pushed him away. She turned and leaned over the counter, supporting herself with her hands; he watched as she forcibly pulled herself together. "What do you want from me, Chakotay?"

"I want you to talk to me. I want my friend back."

"Does Seven know you're here?"

"Seven? What does she have to do with this?"

"I'm not sure your girlfriend would appreciate you spending the evening alone with another woman."

"First, Seven is not my girlfriend. Second, if she were, she wouldn't stop me from coming to see you. I've missed you, Kathryn. I've missed our talks, our dinners, our friendship. I've missed... us."

She stared at him in disbelief, and it took her several breaths to find her voice. When she did, she spoke in a vulnerable tone he'd never heard before. "Seven isn't your girlfriend?"

"No." He was surprised by the turn the conversation had taken. "What made you think she was?"

A blush rose in her cheeks as she averted her gaze. "Oh, just rumors." Then she narrowed her eyes at him, noticing the color in his own cheeks. "But rumors start somewhere."

He sighed. "Seven and I had a few dates. But after we got home, I realized it wasn't going to work."

"Why?"

"Emotionally, she's like a teenager. You know that better than anyone. She doesn't understand what I want out of a relationship. She doesn't even understand what a relationship is."

"Oh, Chakotay, you didn't hurt her, did you?"

"She was upset at first, but she understood. Besides, I think she has a new diversion."

"Oh really?" Janeway's interest was piqued. "Who?"

Chakotay grinned. "Why, our very own EMH." He paused, not wanting to let her get too far off topic, then took her hand and led her into the living room, where he pulled her down beside him on the couch. "Now, tell me what's on your mind. Please."

"I don't want to become the admiral," she finally blurted out. "But I'm afraid I already have."

"You aren't anything like the admiral, Kathryn." He ran his fingers over the back of her hand, his touch soothing and electric at the same time. "If you were her, you wouldn't have insisted that we take the Borg down with us."

"I lost so much faith out there. Faith in myself, faith in truth and justice, faith in the innate goodness of other beings." She paused, looking down at their joined hands and interlacing her fingers between his. "Faith in us. I don't think I can ever get that back."

"You won't ever go back to being the person you were before the Delta Quadrant. None of us will. That experience changed all of us, and out there, maybe it was hard to see how much we'd changed, because we were isolated from everything that grounded us before. Meeting Admiral Janeway put everything in perspective for you, in a much more extreme way than any of us could understand. She showed you one person that you might have become. But everything has changed now. You will never become her."

As he spoke, a silent tear slipped down her cheek, and he reached up to brush it away. "How can you be so sure?"

"I know you, Kathryn. Once you've set your mind to something, you accomplish it. And if you don't want to become Admiral Janeway, you won't! You're too stubborn."

She laughed out loud, and his laughter joined hers. "Thank you. I needed to hear that."

He smiled and sat back against the couch, pulling her with him, slipping his arm around her shoulders. She was surprised at how right it felt. "As for your faith in us," he started, "I'm as guilty of losing that as you are. And I'm not just talking about Seven."

As she nestled into his embrace, gazing out the window into the snow-covered night, she asked softly, "Do you think it's really lost, Chakotay? That faith... between us?"

He reached out to caress her cheek and turned her face to his. "No. No, I don't think a faith like that can ever really be lost. Just forgotten for a little while."

She pressed her hand to his chest, over his heart, and gazed into his eyes as the flickering firelight played over his features. "That's good, because I'd like to find it again."

He dipped his forehead to touch hers. "I think you just did, Kathryn." And he leaned forward to press his lips against hers, very gently and very slowly.

"Oh," she breathed when they finally broke apart. "Yes. That's what I've been missing." He chuckled and pulled her back against him; together, they watched the fire dance and the snow fall, and Kathryn Janeway realized that Chakotay was right. The faith they shared was a part of them; it could never be truly lost.


End file.
